A Natural Hair Journey (1 year)💛

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She was sweet but insecure
Her mind was rotting
But her heart was pure
She was afraid of the world
Too many times she had been hurt
So many times she had been made fun of
So many times she didn’t feel good or pretty enough
Not happy with her appearance
Or her own thoughts
Little body
Big facial features
Hair that grew
But not too long
At least not long enough
Not long enough to who?
She tried to look pretty enough
A diamond in the rough
She was
But she didn’t know
She became so stressed out
That her hair did the same
She had to make a change
There were things she needed to cut from her hair and her mind
And you know what they say
A girl that cuts her hair, is about to change her life…

She had been “relaxed” for as long as she could remember. She grew up a part of a culture that was basically brainwashed to believe their hair was unruly, unattractive, and needed to be tamed and straightened permanently. Long straight or wavy hair was the standard for beauty and her hair was far from that if not relaxed every 6 weeks.

Her father decided to keep her hair healthy and growing by taking her to a professional salon every 2 weeks. Her stylist was very good at her job because her hair definitely started to grow and even feel healthy. The only problem was that the stylist clipped her ends almost every 2 (sometimes once a month) weeks also. Whatever growth she was having wasn’t really being retained.
To make matters worse she eventually decided she wanted to try out honey blonde highlights. Going to the salon definitely helped keep the bleached hair in good condition but after a while she just got tired of waking up early on a Saturday morning to be in a salon for hours.
She didn’t have any real knowledge on how to care for her hair on her own and didn’t think she really needed to. She had friends, and family that could always do it for her. Besides, she only wore it flat ironed or in roller sets.

(Below images; 2013-2015)

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Natural hair started to become more popular and she had a best friend who had been natural for years already. This friend encouraged her to take the leap of faith but she was too afraid.

Natural hair wouldn’t look right on me, I wouldn’t be cute with shorter hair or an afro…

She thought to herself

Eventually she tried transitioning but after about 6 months of no relaxing, her sisters grew tired of doing it. They told her she needed a perm, the new growth was too unmanageable.
So she got a relaxer.
This happened several more times over a period of 2 years. A lot of external and internal stress then led to her not caring for her hair anymore. Even in “protective styles”

Taking her crochet style out after not taking proper care of her own hair she learned the consequence, her hair was breaking off and thinning

She hated her life, her hair, her crooked glasses and everything else.

What was she to do? Let it continue to split and break off? Start paying money to get it professionally done again? Cut it off and face those fears of not being pretty enough?

Enough is enough, she decided.
Without even thinking she grabbed a pair of scissors, looked into a mirror and cut away. But this was only the beginning. She still had heat damaged hair, and her hair was still relaxed, only shorter.

(Jan 2016)


Giving herself this sort of mini chop allowed her to gain a boost of confidence that she would soon need a lot more of.
She was 22 years old, it had been a year since cutting her hair and she still wasn’t quite happy with results, even though she was flat ironing, and relaxing still. That should have explained it but again, she had no knowledge about hair care especially her own natural hair.
The only thing she could think of to do was go to YouTube. There she searched natural hair care, transitioning, and everything else she could stumble across on natural hair. YouTube was a great source because she learned a lot of information and got the inspiration to let it be and be free.
She knew she couldn’t transition for long because it was highly possible she would turn back to the creamy crack (relaxer) so instead she decided to big chop once more! She had about 6 months of new growth and was finally ready to take that leap

She even pinned it up and cut a small section down to the new growth for more motivation. Once she cut she couldn’t go back. See below:

Relaxed hair braid out (June 2016)

Now she was ready for the big chop! Keeping up with 2 different textures trying to transition was becoming too much of a struggle and she was just over it

June 29, 2016
Her journey began.

 

I am she
She is the old me
I am the new her
With our new hair

Very happy and confident 1 year later



Dry, no product. You can also see Izabelle in the background😻

Freshly washed, no product. Looks like the water is beading. Could that be low porosity? I’ll have to test it out again, I did in the beginning of my journey (float test) and got high porosity.

June 29, 2017Styled using water, Eden Body Works Coconut Leave In Conditioner, JBCO, and a denman brush.

I usually twist my hair after washing and leave my twists in for a week, then rock my twist out for a couple of days or as long as the style lasts me. Here is a comparison of a few months. And yes your twists will shrink too. (Dec-May)Returning natural was the best thing I’ve done for my hair and I wouldn’t go back to the creamy crack for anything! This whole year has been full of learning to love myself for who I really am and embracing every bit of my natural beauty. When I had longer hair I would constantly wear it down to cover my forehead, to hide most of my face because at times I hated it.
Free, and confident, that’s what I felt. I thought I would quickly be ready to throw on a wig but nope! Wasn’t about to cover up that new found beauty!
If my story doesn’t convince you enough to stop relaxing/or flat ironing your hair so often
maybe these pictures will:




Always remember that no two heads are exactly alike. This is something you need to keep in mind for growth especially. The average hair growth rate is about 6in per year. This can vary due to genetics, internal and external care and health, and how much you are retaining. Your hair could be breaking off just as much as it is growing which could make it appear to not be growing at all. Relaxers/heat will definitely contribute to that. 

Not everyone will support and like your decision, even family will sometimes judge you but don’t let that discourage you because the results are beautiful! 
I’m so excited to see where this next year of my journey, or even the next 6 months take me.

I hope you all have enjoyed and learned from this natural hair series! 
Are you rocking your natural hair? Do you plan to big chop or transition? How has your journey been so far? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Short Story Saturday! “The storm…”🌧⚡️

Before I went to bed I hoped for dreams that would guide me or give me some type of insight on what was going on in my life. I watched a few general tarot readings, most mentioning spiritual things. 

We’re at my boyfriends moms apartment on the third floor. A bad storm is coming expecting to kill nearly everyone. They say to expect a flood. 

The first floor has already flooded and it’s still pouring down out. Dark clouds are covering the sky, the 2nd floor is almost ready to get flooded.  My boyfriend left to go to the store. He’s crazy right?! 

I’m waiting for him, watching out of the window afraid he won’t make it back. Back before the storm wiped him out or drowned me alone waiting. But he made it back. He made it back!

It’s a miracle but the storm isn’t over. By this time I decide to text and call loved ones to tell them that I love them and give my final goodbye because I don’t know if we will survive what is coming. I just don’t want to drown. I can’t imagine if it seems so scary. I’ve nearly drowned before but actually drown… I’m not ready. I want to survive. I want to live. Why is this happening? Is it going to end?Nothing lasts forever? 

So is this going to end good or bad?

Suddenly things slow down and someone is saying, “I’m glad the storm has passed!”

I’m confused. I still see the storm. Is it really gone?

“Yes. Look.” The voice says again. I have no idea who this person is.

I look again…

The storm has suddenly stopped and didn’t make it to the 3rd floor. Firemen are already on the scene rescuing survivors from the 2nd floor. I can’t say much about the 3rd floor. I didn’t hear of any survivors nor deaths. Is that good or bad?

I’m just glad this was only a dream. Yes, this was an actual dream I had last week! I’ve been trying to be more consistent writing my dreams down (trying to lucid dream aha) and start a cool dream journal. Of course my dreams could be better, less frightening, especially this particular one. That was pretty much a beautiful nightmare! 

Whenever I have interesting dreams I try to remember the main feelings and objects I saw so that I can look up a possible deeper meaning. In this particular dream I looked up dreaming of storms, looking out of windows, and the number 3. Here’s what I found that most related to situations and feelings in my waking life:

Dreambible.com, Dreammoods.com

To see a storm in your dream signifies some overwhelming struggle, shock, loss or catastrophe in your waking life. The storm also represents unexpressed fears or emotions, such as anger, rage, turmoil, etc. To dream of expecting a storm represents feelings about potential conflict or arguments. You may feel that telling someone something unpleasant is going to cause a fight or cause serious problems. Anticipating trouble. On a more positive note, the storm symbolizes your rising spirituality. A storm may also reflect rapid change or progress. Caring about nothing or no one else as you move forward in a situation. 

To dream of looking out a window represents insight into what’s happening or your outlook for the future. Seeing ahead or what you feel is going to happen. It may also reflect your hopes for what is about to come. Negatively, dreaming about looking out a window may reflect expectations about the future that are based on fear, anxiety, or non-objective perspective.

The number 3 in a dream represents creation or making something happen. Your plans, goals, or intentions are coming to life. Alternatively, the number 3 may reflect a creative process or chaos. There may be unpredictability in your life. 

🤔 

What do you think? Do you believe in dreams having deeper meanings? Does your dreams relate to your waking life? Have you ever looked up what your dreams meant? Do you like this for a story? I have a few more dreams I’m planning to use for Short Story Saturday:)

Let’s talk! Comment below💕

Short Story Saturday: Izabelle’s Edition🐾💗

Is this thing on??

Oh HISS! Yeah it is okay. Hi. Meow😻 My name is Izabelle. Many you humans might remember me from Fun Friday #6 that my human mom posted when she first brought me to her home. Humans live in homes, not outside or in cages that’s what I’ve learned. Mom has proved you humans to be good, I love her and her companion. They are both really nice to me but mom is the nicest.

I’m told this is supposed to be a story because many you humans like reading them. So I will meow my favorites and one not so favorite times shared with mom. I hope you will like them. Mom says she hopes so too. Humans say things, they don’t meow, something I also learned. But sometimes mom meows back to me, she must think it’s adorable. I have no idea what she is trying to communicate. Okay, this just in- she’s being a copy cat… I’m a little confused too. I’ll just get back to the story.

One of my favorite times with mom is when I’m sleeping, especially next to her or under her cover. I sleep a lot.

I sleep on moms legs why she blogs in bed sometimes.

I also sleep on moms comfy cat shoes sometimes.

I also love lots of lovin💗

I love grooming myself

I also love eating and playing but mom doesn’t have any pictures of that yet. She does have videos of me playing on YouTube. Now all the world can see me having fun!

I also like checking the piggies out, that’s what mom calls them. I don’t really know what they are but they’re cool. I just watch them or lay close by. Sometimes I sniff their bums or noses but mom always says I can’t be too close or not for long times.
This is me and Hazel:


I think she kind of looks like me so I had to check her out a little more. Then I decided she’s okay and lay next to her. Mom says I better keep that paw away.

The one time I don’t like so much is when mom went out to watch the sunset and I had to stay inside. She doesn’t stay out long but I want to come too. She thinks I might jump off the balcony because I’m very curious. I meow for her to come back in and it works every time! Humans, if you want something really bad meow for it and you get it. I learned that. But you may get pictures taken of you like this:

So keep that in mind. Everything comes with a price you humans say.

Other than wanting to follow mom out life is pretty good. Thank you for reading my story I don’t know if it’s great. Is your life as good as mine? Do any you humans like anything I like? Leave comments for us to read and answer😻

Short Story Saturday! “My 1st love/heartbreak”❤️💔

Hey everyone! How’s your weekend going so far??

Mine is going to be a bit busy but I wanted to get SSS posted so I wouldn’t be worrying about it later. Today’s story is a true story, the story of my first love/first heart break.

The reason I’m telling both is because it was the same guy. You can read, or you can listen to my audio recording of the story. I’m still working on this, I’m not perfect I mess up so It’s pretty long. If you have 20 minutes to spare, have a listen:) My first love/heartbreak.

Now let’s get into it!

This happened freshman year of high school. I’ll call him Charles for the story. That’s not his real name but I’m not hear to drop identities.

Anyway, Charles and I went to the same middle school but we never spoke back then. Honestly I don’t think we really noticed each other. We went to separate high schools but had a mutual friend. One day we were texting (my friend and I) and she tells me that Charles wants my number he wants to talk. I guess she told him she was talking to me or something? I can’t remember but this was basically a set up because she was way too excited lol she wanted us to like each other and be together so bad.

But I allowed her to give my number to see where exactly things were going.
I can’t remember how those first texts went but I do know that we instantly clicked. We would text all day and night, laughing and smiling literally. At that moment, I never wanted to end the bond. It was rare for me because I’ve always been so shy and reserved. I was still shy with him, just not nearly as much.
The problem was when the feelings came. He actually had a girlfriend at the time but told me he grew feelings for me. He told me they were always arguing and she had another boyfriend or something. I don’t know. (She was a grade below us. They went to separate schools also) It was just too much going on and crazy! I told him I didn’t want to be involved in that type of drama. If he was going to be with her, be with her with no feelings for me. Even though that would hurt.

Honestly I hoped they would finally break up, I was a teenage stalker stalking both of their MySpace pages and neither one seemed to be happy with the other. There was no reason for that to carry on.
She eventually wrote me a message! Yes, a bold girl she was lol. In that message she told me she knows about Charles and I, and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up because they’re only taking a short break. Wow!
I wasn’t rude in my reply, I didn’t have to reply at all but I basically wished the best for them.
They officially broke up shortly after. Don’t ask me, I don’t know what happened. Maybe he was upset at her contacting me? Isn’t that how it usually goes? Or maybe she was the one too upset.
We didn’t get together right away. I was happy that he wasn’t attached to someone else anymore but I had to be sure. I would feel like a fool if he left me to get back with her.
In the end we were both made fools.
After a couple of months talking, he finally made things official. I had been ready longer I was just waiting for him.
I remember I was on the bus on my way to school when I got the message. That was the best day of freshman year for me lol I probably annoyed my best friend talking so much about him.
The months were full of laughter and happiness. My heart was feeling something and I thought it was love. Apparently we both did. He said it first. We even had our own little way of expressing how much, we would say “I love you 5ever” corny right? Back then it was the cutest thing ever in my mind. We had a ton of memories like this I guess you could call them couple insiders?
Since we didn’t go to the same school and I had a strict parent and aunt we had to see each other on weekends, at the skating rink. I would go with my best friend and meet him there. She wasn’t a 3rd wheel because she was very popular, she always knew someone or had someone with her plus I stayed with her majority of the time. I never learned how to skate and I’m not much of a dancer so sometimes Charles would be out dancing and skating and we’d be watching and talking. I remember him coming over to the wall to kiss me once and then going back to the dance floor. I also remember slow dancing with him there which was my favorite moment we shared. I didn’t want that night to end and I didn’t want us to end. I have a cousin who went to his high school so sometimes we would write letters to each other and she was our mail delivery lady lol. The idea was mine so that we could keep in touch closer than the phone on weekdays. I know that sounds kind of, not cool but I really love and appreciate her for that!

We both kept our letters for years! I lost my collection of his first. I was so sad! He kept his collection under his mattress and they got ruined while cleaning one day.
Puppy love.
It did come to an end. On his birthday!

This is where I talk about my first heart break…
It was 12 AM and I had just sent him a very happy, loving happy bday message. You’d think my response would be a thank you or something but no. Instead I got “I’m sorry but this isn’t working out.” Something along those lines.
Wth??? Out of nowhere? It had to be a joke or a dream is what I thought. I kept questioning him in total disbelief. But he never said just kidding and I never woke up from a nightmare. It was reality. He was really that cruel.
My poor teenage heart.💔 I went outside so upset (remember it’s after midnight) called my best friend to tell her what had happened and she was just saying “omg that’s messed up, you better not be crying” etc…

I wasn’t crying but I wanted to. I was in shock and disbelief still so I couldn’t.
Literally a few days, maybe a week goes by and he has a NEW girlfriend!!

His excuse was we didn’t feel like a couple because I was shy and he couldn’t see me that much. Wow. My best friend was probably more upset than I was, she actually wrote the new girl! I won’t mention the words she had for her because they weren’t nice obviously. She was just being a friend to me.
Even when he was with the new girl I didn’t feel things were right. We seemed so close, didn’t argue, he seemed so into me I couldn’t understand. It confused me more because he didn’t cut me off, we still talked. It was hard on me but I had hope. A couple of months go by then he told me he wasn’t even attracted to her, that his best friend made him break up with me so they could date sisters!

How can someone make you do that? Especially if you “love” that person.
I didn’t know what to think or believe but they broke up so I thought he may have been telling the truth. Unfortunately I had already moved on and my new relationship was already longer than the one with him. All the feelings came rushing back, if they were ever gone but I decided I couldn’t leave someone who hasn’t left me for someone that already has.
Charles said I caused him to have trust issues because I told him we’d get back together I just needed time to figure things out. Well. Things happen, things change. He should know that.
The new relationship lasted almost 5 years and Charles was still around trying for at least half of that time.
I have no hard feelings for him. Things just weren’t meant to be and if I had found my soulmate that young, what would I have really got to experience and learn? We probably would have had problems or broken up eventually. I know it’s possible but I just feel like you haven’t experienced life at that age so you don’t really know exactly what you want, especially out of a partner for the rest of your life. We actually talked a few years ago in a friendly manner but It’s true…. You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, and you shouldn’t take things or people for granted. Because you won’t always be able to get it back when you miss it or when you realize your mistakes. If you have someone you really love and care about hold onto them💕

Song used in audio: Aaliyah – The One I Gave My Heart To

How old were you when you experienced your first love/heartbreak? Let me know in the comments. Also, do you like the new image? I have a few I made, i’m still deciding on which one but I think it’s my favorite so far.

Short Story Saturday!

Today’s short story is a game play conversation between four teenage friends at a sleepover. But how well do they really know each other? How close and caring can they really be? I’ve listed some basic information about each of the characters. Maybe you can play along as you read?

2 Truths, 1 Lie

Bonnie- 17 years old, Aries, loves all sports, hates the color pink, very outgoing, outspoken, also thinks she’s the “leader”

Alina- 16 years old, Cancer sign, loves pastel and neon colors, kind of outgoing, likes to read and write, rarely listens to music surprisingly, usually very positive and cheerful, is a cheer leader, kind of into fashion

Sarah- 17 years old, Sagittarius, popular, confident, most people find her attractive, loves pink, outspoken, probably the “leader” of the group, very strong personality

Hope- 16 years old, Pisces, doesn’t have a favorite color, shy/reserved, quiet, usually the one to go unnoticed, observant/good listener, sweet, really pretty (if only she knew)

Sarah: Are you girls up for a game?

Hope: What kind of game? It’s 1 AM. Is it scary?

Sarah and Alina snicker a little

Hope: It’s not funny!

Sarah: It kind of is Hope. What are you scared for? I just want to play 2 truths 1 lie.

Alina: OOOH let’s play! That sounds fun!

Hope: Yeah, that does sound kind of fun I guess.

Sarah: Bonnie are you in?

Bonnie: You know I don’t really care.

Sarah: Of course. Anyway, you all know how the game goes right? We’ll each tell 2 truths and 1 lie about ourselves and we’ll have to guess which 1 is the lie. Who wants to go first?

Bonnie: You should.

Sarah: Alright fine I’ll go first no problem… I have a wealthy aunt and uncle who sends me $300 every week,  I hate the color orange, I want to be a teacher. Which two are the truth, and which one is the lie?

Alina: OOH! I wanna answer first I think I know this. I think the lie is that you hate orange. I’ve never seen you in orange, not that I can remember.

Bonnie: Nahh, I think the lie is she wants to be a teacher. She probably wants to be a fashion designer or something. But I never heard about a wealthy aunt or uncle. She definitely doesn’t want to be a teacher.

Sarah: Hope, what’s your answer?

Hope: Well I actually remember you telling me you wanted to be a teacher one day. Unless that’s changed? You asked me if I thought you’d be a good one. I still think you would. I think the lie is that you hate orange.

Alina: Did I get it right???

Sarah: You and Hope both got it…Right. I’m sorry Bon, but you was wrong. As shocking as it may seem, I definitely do want to be a teacher. And my aunt is pretty wealthy, she’s a lawyer and her husband is a doctor. They don’t have any kids. I don’t know how they make it work.

Bonnie: Wow, that’s probably how. That is shocking though. But i’ll go next. I was in ballet for 3 years, my least favorite sport is football, I sometimes drink my parents beer when they’re at work. Which one is the lie?

Sarah: You’re so bad ass! You drink, that’s got to be true, The lie is you took ballet! I bet you cringe at that thought.

Alina: I agree, I can’t see you ever being in ballet. That’s the lie.

Hope: I think you’re bad ass, but I don’t think you would drink that’s the lie. But you aren’t afraid to get rough and dirty so I don’t know… uhhh… I’m sticking with what I said. The drinking is a lie.

Sarah: The lie is ballet! Girls that play in dirt just don’t do ballet!

Bonnie: Well…This girl has. I hated it. I was in ballet when I was 6 until I was 9. My mom made me do it and she finally saw how it was ripping me a part and let me quit. I started hanging out more with my dad after that. I think she’s still a little upset about it to this day. Hope was the only one right. I don’t drink.

Alina: That’s so funny! I just imagined you looking so uncomfortable in your little tights and pink tutu.

Bonnie: Yeah enjoy it because that’s the only time you’ll see me in a pink tutu, in your imagination. Who’s next?

Alina: Me next! I write songs and sing the lyrics to myself, I was the captain of the cheer leading team in 4th and 5th grade, I like the color black. Which one is my lie???

Bonnie: You like the color black is a lie. You’re more into girly colors as far as I know.

Sarah: Hmmm… You was probably a cheer leader since you are now, but maybe not the captain. I’ll say that’s the lie.

Hope: Well I know you write, a lot. I know you’re into cheer leading soo, maybe liking black is the lie.

Alina: Wow! You’re all wrong. I mean Hope you’re not entirely wrong. You all know I love writing! But I prefer to write stories and articles, not song lyrics. That was my lie. Pastels are my favorite colors but I like that black can go with so much. It’s your turn Hope.

Hope: Okay… I want to be a news reporter, I was once going to be a child model, I haven’t had my first kiss yet. Which-

Sarah cuts Hope off

Sarah: You’re too shy to model! I know you’ve been shy your whole life, I wish you’d grow out of it but some people never do. But those quiet ones are the sneaky ones so you probably have had your first kiss and just haven’t told us. I’m saying the lie is that. You’ve had your first kiss. Probably way before any of us.

Bonnie: Oh leave her alone, there’s no telling how many kisses you’ve had hot ass.

Sarah: Whatever. I’ve only kissed 2 guys thank you very much. What’s your answer?

Bonnie: I say you don’t want to be a news reporter so that’s the lie.

Alina: I agree. News reporters have to do all that talking, in front of a camera on live TV for everyone to see. Yeah, that’s the lie Hope. I can see you working from home or something. People that work from home can make a lot of money! Trust me, I watch a lot of YouTubers and read a lot of cool blogs. You can find out anything with the internet. There’s ways. Maybe you should look into that.

Sarah: Okay don’t be extra Lina. Who was right Hope?

Hope: None of you actually.

Sarah: What!

Alina: You were gonna be a model??

Bonnie: You really wanna be a news reporter?

Hope: Being a news reporter is one of my top 3 options and my mom was gonna put me in pageant shows and modeling when I was 7, I use to get invitations but I begged her not to make me.

Sarah: You should have. It could have broken you out of that shyness, maybe you could have won. I would have.

Bonnie: You would have went or you would have won?

Sarah: Both.

Bonnie: Wow. Suuure you would. Conceited much?

Alina: Never mind that, we seriously need to start talking and listening to each other more. This game just showed us a lot about our friendship!

Sarah: Shall we play another?

“NO!” They all say in unison.

Alina: Yeah, no more games tonight Sar, i’m tired. Maybe later. Let’s get some beauty sleep.

Hope: Goodnight.

Bonnie: Night.

Sarah: Fineee. Goodnight.

Sarah turns the light out and they each fall asleep. Best friends fornever 💕

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Short Story Saturday✨

Who’s got a shoulder when I need to cry
I feel restless and I don’t know why
Cry for help, but still feel alone
Like a motherless child along way from home
Lord I’m lost I can’t find my way
I’m dealing with the struggles in my day to day
My soul is weak and I wanna be strong
I try to run away but I’ve been running too long…
Motherless Child lyrics

Everyone has a mother, that’s how we’re all here. That’s why many of us are getting ready to celebrate Mother’s Day.

I haven’t been able to celebrate properly since my mother has been away, out of my life since I was about 3 from what I can remember. She was trapped in a high that could not accept motherhood. I always hoped some miracle would happen, where she would come back for me or we would meet. But if we met would she notice me? I probably wouldn’t recognize her. It became a dream of mine to meet my mother and have her love, and for that I would give anything up.

(Today’s story is not fiction. This is a part of my life. Listen to the songs that inspired me to tell this portion of my story and the poem I wrote: Kehlani – The LetterLabrinth – JealousJohn Legend – Motherless Child) *I highly recommend listening to these songs if you haven’t already. Especially if you have a similar story*

Sophomore year a miracle happened but I didn’t have to give up anything. I rarely get to see my mothers side of the family and I barely know them. I’ve only met my uncle, my grandparents, and 2 cousins so it’s always nice when I do get to see them. My uncle contacted me and my older brother D, (I’ll just call him by the first initial of his name) D is the brother that was in foster care with me, but had to stay when my father got me out because we only share the same mother. We were so close when we were younger. Sadly things aren’t the same…

Back to the story, we were informed we would be picked up to go spend some time with him and our grandparents. For some reason, I felt like it was more to it than that. I had this really good feeling in my heart like something great was about to happen. I was right.

When we arrived at my grandparents house, there was a woman standing outside on the porch waiting. I couldn’t recognize her but I guess my heart could? I felt it and knew in my heart who that woman was. I got out of the car and we basically went to each other with open arms. Before we got out the car my uncle said “We have a surprise. That’s your mama,” but like I said, I already knew. It was supposed to be more of a surprise for me because my brother had a little more contact with her than I ever did. I guess because he is oldest so it was easier for him to understand things. She instantly started to cry and apologize for not being there all those years, and for doing the things she did that kept her away. She made sure to tell me she loves me and always has. She was just sick and she wished she could take it all back. I was never angry at her and I couldn’t cry because I was just too happy and shocked that the moment was even happening. It could have very well been a dream.

I thought things would change that day, but this time my thoughts were wrong. She disappeared and I didn’t hear from her again until I was about 20 years old. I had been looking for her, asking around. Calling my uncle asking him. No one knew where she was or had heard from her in a while, but then my uncle calls back and says they’ve found out she’s in the hospital with pneumonia. He gave me the hospital name and some other information and we hang up. I immediately call the hospital but the nurse tells me she is sleeping at the moment so call back in a little while. I believe she gave me a specific time to call back, I’m not sure but I’ll go with that. I called back at that specific time and finally, I heard my mothers voice. She told me the nurse told her that her daughter called (I’m her only daughter) and she felt such a blessing over her and hoped I would call back. We talked for a while and I made plans to visit, it felt like that same miracle all over again. Only this time maybe things would turn out better, maybe the timing was better. Maybe meeting under the circumstances would bring a change in her. I don’t know. I just always have high hopes.

Finally arriving to her hospital room and hugging her again only made those hopes higher. Sadly, I was wrong again. We kept in touch a while longer than the first time, but not long enough. This time she was gone right before Mother’s Day…

I can’t explain what I felt then, but it was much worse than any pain I felt before meeting her. I even wondered if I should just give up because it would always end like this. Everyone told me she would make promises she couldn’t keep. Maybe I should have listened…but I can’t. I can’t give up on her or my hopes of having that mother daughter relationship I’ve always wanted and deserved. Maybe the 3rd time we meet will be the charm.

Letter To My Mother Away

Mother you’re away still 

I’ve never been able to celebrate with you for Mother’s Day,

or any other occasion.

Every year I watch all the other sons and daughters with their mothers

I tell my aunt Happy Mother’s Day! But it’s just not the same…

She has her own children 

Like you have your own

But you left yours to be all alone

High off life without me

It couldn’t have been easy 

But it was harder being low and sober 

You needed it but you didn’t need 

Me as a baby, and the thought of you leaving

The pain makes me queasy

And I blame you for many things

The root of my pain 

But I never hated you

I still love you 

Even when I barely know you

It’s such a shame

How do you even remember me?

You told me you didn’t remember my little brothers name

But I still love you

I was still happy I could be there with you for a moment 

and you were okay

It felt like a miracle 

I was in the hospital only months before from that car crash

Then there I was 

Walking through hospital doors 

To meet you alive

Smiling and laughing 

Giving me advice for the first time

Promising we’d keep in touch this time for the second time 

It was the best day of my life

I thought I’d finally have you in my life

And I did for a while

Then Mother’s Day came around

You were no where to be found…

Mother away

It’s been about 2 years since then

I haven’t heard from you since

But I’ve been told you’ve been seen and you’ve been asking about me

Is it true?

But if you really wanted me 

I know you could find me 

just like I found you

Still I love you

And I have hope

Broken hope 

That has not died

And If it’s not too late

When you come around

(Please don’t wait 

to come around)

I’ll be by your side 

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