This weeks story will be written for you to read but please listen to the audio in the link below to hear it, there will also be a part 2 with me explaining the story in the next post, Inspiration of the day. Stay tuned.
Permanent Decisions Audio
Yesterday I woke up in my bedroom looking at the gray walls I saw and felt like everyday. I immediately wanted to go back to sleep, a permanent sleep. Most days I feel angry, sad, worthless, and helpless. But my feelings and pain on this morning was heightened.
I can remember my mom being upset with me before she left for work because I was going to be late for school. All she did was work. My father was off being a father elsewhere. To top all of the family issues, I also dealt with insecurity. I was never the prettiest in a group and barely noticed in school. If I was noticed it was only because I was being made fun of. Sometimes I was even physically pushed out of the way.
I decided to log onto Facebook where I see a picture of a few popular girls and guys and I notice I am in the background. I appear lost and out of place. I read the comments that say, “who is that weird girl in the back?” “She’s ruining the pic, shes not very photogenic.”
And then… “Why is she even there?”
I think to myself, right. Why am I there? Why am I here?
There’s nothing good happening in my life ever! No one notices me anyway, when I am noticed I’m not wanted, I’m never good enough, I’m tired, I’m not happy. I never was.
The day went on, night came again then morning and I woke up feeling different.
I was happy, but also felt very confused.
I woke up in my bedroom again, only this time my mom wasn’t upset with me. She was sitting at the edge of my bed crying. When I asked her what was wrong she only cried more. She wouldn’t answer or even look at me. I picked up my phone and logged into Facebook again, I see the same picture from yesterday with me in the background, only this time I am smiling and the comments are different.
“Who was she?”
“What did she do?”
“She doesn’t look unhappy, she was pretty.”
“That’s not the way to go.”
“WE made her do it. It’s our fault.”
And then… “Rest In Peace.”
I asked my mother again, yelling even for her to answer me. Finally she says,
“I love you so much. You were so loved, why would you do this? I’m not mad, I just wish you would have told me something. I wish you were here right now so I could hug you and we could talk. I wish I was here more when you were. I’m so sorry.”
I move towards the edge with my mother and notice in her hands- my funeral arrangements being scheduled.
I now remember what I have done. I immediately regret it but it doesn’t matter. Today nothing I feel will matter again, only that I have made the ones I love feel it too.
I’m sorry, I wish I could come back! I wish I could tell you I love you too and I didn’t mean to do it I was just so hurt and in so much pain at the time. I wish I would have just talked to you to tell you exactly how I felt, everything that was going on killing me inside. But now it’s too late.
Please don’t do what I did. You still have a chance. I wish I could stop everyone from doing what I did. Remind them all that they still have a chance! I thought I couldn’t get through it but I know that they can.
Please never forget me.