Stream of consciousness writing is a style of journaling where you write whatever comes to mind without stopping to think about anything. There are no rules to this style of journaling, you don’t have to worry about grammar, punctuation, or structure. You aren’t telling a story, it doesn’t have to make sense.
This January I started stream of consciousness journaling as a way to release the clutter in my mind, help with writers block, and to help understand my thoughts and feelings more. I am literally allowing my consciousness to flow onto paper. But instead of reading it right away I wait a few weeks or longer, that way I’m not criticizing myself, trying to fix errors or erase things which defeats the purpose. Instead of uploading a new entry today I’ve decided to take a look back at my first entry with you all. As I’m typing this I have not read it yet, I will be copying and pasting it below and reading it afterwards. I’ll be back with my thoughts…
I had a short break from life. Now I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. My mind is made up I won’t be there for long. That’s the way it’s always been. Been. Here. Gone. There. Everywhere or anywhere. Everyone wants to be happy. Sometimes it makes us selfish, sometimes we’re too selfless and give too much of it away just to keep everyone else happy. And then we break down. I hide the way I truly feel because it seems so selfish.Selfish selfish selfishness. Selfishly. But every once in a while you have to put yourself first. There are only a few hours left in the day before I go back to misery? I guess it’s up to me how that all plays out. Maybe I’ll have my favorite company, even though I’ve had company all this time. Just wasn’t the company I really wanted. I’m realizing the things I want out of life and the people I want out of my life. Energy I don’t want to be around, not letting anyone control how my day is going to be. If I don’t want to do it, I don’t want to do it and I don’t have to. Unless it’s like a life or death situation or something. If I don’t want to be there, I don’t want to be there and I don’t have to be. Unless I have nowhere else to go. It sucks when you feel like you’re running out of options but deep down you know you’re not, you’re just so exhausted and over all the unfortunates you become lazy and discouraged. I must be feeling discouraged I’ve been saying that word a lot lately I’ve noticed. I’ll be finding more positive words to say. 111, 1111, 222, 22, 333, 33, 444, 44, 555, 55, 10:25. I see these numbers so much.
Wow! To me this was an interesting read and I didn’t even feel like I was reading an entry from my own journal. I felt like I was reading a post I could relate to word for word. I’ve also realized I am still working on some of the things mentioned, but also there has been small improvements. In the beginning I wrote I had a short break from life. Now I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. My mind is made up I won’t be there for long. That’s the way it’s always been. Been. Here. Gone. There. Everywhere or anywhere. Everyone wants to be happy.
This was about not wanting to be at places that make me feel uncomfortable or unhappy. I was away from it for a while but there was a moment I had to return. I had my mind made (at the time) that I was going to move away soon but now I am undecided about that again. I am always moving everywhere, anywhere to find happiness. But happiness isn’t a place, it can’t be located in GPS, you can’t “move to” happiness. You have to find it within yourself and that takes time and effort. I’ve been going to counseling lately and one of the things my counselor suggested was creating a compromised balance. Basically, if you know you have to do something or be somewhere you don’t want to be, be sure to also make the time for the things and places you do enjoy. Maybe you have to work Monday-Friday, and you have children. You could possibly set time during the weekend to go out to the park, museum or whatever you like. Make time for meditating even if it’s for a few minutes a day, treat yourself. It’s a huge start.
Another issue I’ve been having is saying no. I’ve always been that person that wanted to be nice as much as possible, and hated creating conflict or problems for other people which was often a result of telling them no. But while I was helping them, I wasn’t helping myself by feeling obligated to do things I knew I didn’t want to.
Sometimes, you have to do these things though. For example if it involves your living situation. Yes you can always say no and live uncomfortably or kicked out (that may not even be the case) but that’s unfortunate right? So instead of saying yes each time, you can say I’ll do it on these days but it’s unfair for me to do it this often while I have other things I need/wish to do also. Or if you’re asked to do something, feel free to tell them you’ll get back with them later. This gives you time to think about whether you really want to or not and how you can go about it without feeling pressured to answer right away. You aren’t obligated to and they should respect you by asking in a timely manner. It’s okay to say yes to yourself every once in a while, when you’re constantly saying yes to others.
I then wrote I’m realizing the things I want out of life and the people I want out of my life. Energy I don’t want to be around, not letting anyone control how my day is going to be… However, sometimes I am still letting these things control my day. I will be seeing how the next few counseling sessions go. Even when you feel like you are running out of options or places to go don’t give up. Always remember you may be closer than you think. If you give up, you won’t get anywhere at all.