Stream Of Consciousness đź’­|Looking Back: My First Entry

Stream of consciousness writing is a style of journaling where you write whatever comes to mind without stopping to think about anything. There are no rules to this style of journaling, you don’t have to worry about grammar, punctuation, or structure. You aren’t telling a story, it doesn’t have to make sense.

This January I started stream of consciousness journaling as a way to release the clutter in my mind, help with writers block, and to help understand my thoughts and feelings more. I am literally allowing my consciousness to flow onto paper. But instead of reading it right away I wait a few weeks or longer, that way I’m not criticizing myself, trying to fix errors or erase things which defeats the purpose. Instead of uploading a new entry today I’ve decided to take a look back at my first entry with you all. As I’m typing this I have not read it yet, I will be copying and pasting it below and reading it afterwards. I’ll be back with my thoughts…

1/22/18

I had a short break from life. Now I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. My mind is made up I won’t be there for long. That’s the way it’s always been. Been. Here. Gone. There. Everywhere or anywhere. Everyone wants to be happy. Sometimes it makes us selfish, sometimes we’re too selfless and give too much of it away just to keep everyone else happy. And then we break down. I hide the way I truly feel because it seems so selfish.Selfish selfish selfishness. Selfishly. But every once in a while you have to put yourself first. There are only a few hours left in the day before I go back to misery? I guess it’s up to me how that all plays out. Maybe I’ll have my favorite company, even though I’ve had company all this time. Just wasn’t the company I really wanted. I’m realizing the things I want out of life and the people I want out of my life. Energy I don’t want to be around, not letting anyone control how my day is going to be. If I don’t want to do it, I don’t want to do it and I don’t have to. Unless it’s like a life or death situation or something. If I don’t want to be there, I don’t want to be there and I don’t have to be. Unless I have nowhere else to go. It sucks when you feel like you’re running out of options but deep down you know you’re not, you’re just so exhausted and over all the unfortunates you become lazy and discouraged. I must be feeling discouraged I’ve been saying that word a lot lately I’ve noticed. I’ll be finding more positive words to say. 111, 1111, 222, 22, 333, 33, 444, 44, 555, 55, 10:25. I see these numbers so much.

My thoughts…

Wow! To me this was an interesting read and I didn’t even feel like I was reading an entry from my own journal. I felt like I was reading a post I could relate to word for word. I’ve also realized I am still working on some of the things mentioned, but also there has been small improvements. In the beginning I wrote I had a short break from life. Now I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. My mind is made up I won’t be there for long. That’s the way it’s always been. Been. Here. Gone. There. Everywhere or anywhere. Everyone wants to be happy.

This was about not wanting to be at places that make me feel uncomfortable or unhappy. I was away from it for a while but there was a moment I had to return. I had my mind made (at the time) that I was going to move away soon but now I am undecided about that again. I am always moving everywhere, anywhere to find happiness. But happiness isn’t a place, it can’t be located in GPS, you can’t “move to” happiness. You have to find it within yourself and that takes time and effort. I’ve been going to counseling lately and one of the things my counselor suggested was creating a compromised balance. Basically, if you know you have to do something or be somewhere you don’t want to be, be sure to also make the time for the things and places you do enjoy. Maybe you have to work Monday-Friday, and you have children. You could possibly set time during the weekend to go out to the park, museum or whatever you like. Make time for meditating even if it’s for a few minutes a day, treat yourself. It’s a huge start.

Another issue I’ve been having is saying no. I’ve always been that person that wanted to be nice as much as possible, and hated creating conflict or problems for other people which was often a result of telling them no. But while I was helping them, I wasn’t helping myself by feeling obligated to do things I knew I didn’t want to.

Sometimes, you have to do these things though. For example if it involves your living situation. Yes you can always say no and live uncomfortably or kicked out (that may not even be the case) but that’s unfortunate right? So instead of saying yes each time, you can say I’ll do it on these days but it’s unfair for me to do it this often while I have other things I need/wish to do also. Or if you’re asked to do something, feel free to tell them you’ll get back with them later. This gives you time to think about whether you really want to or not and how you can go about it without feeling pressured to answer right away. You aren’t obligated to and they should respect you by asking in a timely manner. It’s okay to say yes to yourself every once in a while, when you’re constantly saying yes to others.

I then wrote I’m realizing the things I want out of life and the people I want out of my life. Energy I don’t want to be around, not letting anyone control how my day is going to be… However, sometimes I am still letting these things control my day. I will be seeing how the next few counseling sessions go. Even when you feel like you are running out of options or places to go don’t give up. Always remember you may be closer than you think. If you give up, you won’t get anywhere at all.

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Stream of Consciousnessđź’­|2/17/18

A stream of consciousness entry from my journal…

2/17/18

Blank space, blank mind. Still I write without knowing if words will even come to me. The more I write the more they do but they don’t always make sense. Does life ever make sense? I think I know things and then I am confused. Then I think I’ve figured things out only to be confused again. Or lost again. Crazy, weird, strange. Just some random words that came to mind. I am supposed to be leaving soon. I am constantly moving from place to place. I am constantly stuck in the same place. How is that possible? And why do I feel like I’ve written this before? Maybe I’ve written something similar. Maybe I’ve just discovered a pattern in my thoughts? This is something my counselor will be interested in during my next visit I’m sure.

My thoughts have just been interrupted. I had to stop my cat (Zoey) from chewing up my earphones. She gets info everything.

Now she lays on top of a few of my notebooks which are on top of my laptop.

I was talking (or thinking) about my next counseling session. Now I am talking about cats…

I’ve recently started counseling and one of my first “homework” assignments is to write about the things I want to work on and improve most, and the thoughts I am thinking when I am feeling a certain way. This entry has given me something to write for that assignment. I’m thinking about sharing bits and pieces of this new journey. Mainly for my own documentation but also for anyone reading who might be thinking of starting counseling. Maybe you’ve already gone on that journey and you’d just be interested in relating to someone else’s. This is just a quick update on what I’ve been up to and what’s to come.đź’–

Stream Of Consciousnessđź’­|2/12/18

A stream of consciousness entry from my journal:
2/12/18

I didn’t realize it had already been a week since I last journaled. Not that I haven’t been keeping entries in my mind. My constant busy mind. I’ll be starting something new soon…
A good friend asked me am I nervous. I am. But I’m not. I’m always conflicted. Is that what I mean to say?
Anyways, I still feel like life is getting better. In my reality and in my little fantasy world. Things are still crashing down while other things are building up. Its because I’m taking the necessary steps. Baby steps but… crawl before you walk right? And then you can run where ever you want. Chase and catch all your wildest dreams. It’s all in reach and possible if you just stay positive and keep going. With each step, you are closer to your destination. Don’t go searching for shortcuts, or the easy way out because you’ll find yourself lost often.
Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad after all.
You find yourself when you lose yourself.

I’ve lost myself and found myself plenty of times.
Who am I?
This time am I finding my truest self? How many layers are left?Here is the weird little doodle I did at the bottom of the page… Drawing obviously isn’t my talent lol:

Stream Of Consciousnessđź’­|2/5/18

A stream of consciousness entry from my journal:
2/5/18

Early morning writings.
There’s beauty and magic in that. There’s beauty and magic in our thoughts, in our hearts. For some reason I want to say but not in our pockets or wallets.
Maybe there’s no beauty or magic in money. Many of us believe otherwise. Money can get us so many things in life, materialistic things. We don’t have enough money but don’t we have enough of the materialistic things? Yes? No? Maybe so…
Pink. Pink is a pretty color. This is a random thought, I know.
What makes a color pretty? What makes anything pretty, or beautiful? They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So we have the right to say what is beautiful or not? We have opinions and that’s that. There’s beauty all around, beauty can be found in almost anything, anywhere. Even in the ugly. Ugly is an opinion also. What may be ugly to you might be beautiful to someone else.
I wonder how many times I’ve said beautiful? I’m not counting. I’ve only said ugly once… Now twice. It’s not that important.

It’s worthless. It’s wrotten…? (When the mind moves faster than your hand, and you begin writing things exactly how it sounds…Or your hand thinks you are writing a different word, like “written” and that’s definitely not what I meant lol)
Rotten.
The word, the thought. Throw it away and replace it with pretty, beautiful, lovely thoughts. I’m not talking about people and how they look. It’s all about how we think. Good over evil. Positive over negative. Love over hate.đź’–

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Stream Of Consciousnessđź’­|1/27/18

A stream of consciousness entry from my journal:
1/27/18

Lost but found all at once.
I am thinking, I am creating. I am trying to keep up with my own thoughts that speed past my mind and change their mind so quickly. I am not home, I am searching and I feel alone
I feel…
I feel…
I feel so much too much always. I feel what others feel around me and it’s often overwhelming. I need to recharge. I need to get away. I need a vacation. I haven’t been to many places… In the physical world…
Realm.
Thinking again
Sinking again.
I put 10 minutes on the clock to record all these thoughts. I’m glad to be off the bottom of the page. Writing there is the worst. My handwriting is a mess. My hand is starting to cramp. I think it’s trying to record my thoughts too fast. Brain fart? Writers’ block.
Make it stop.
I feel the best, happy, and more content with life when I write.
What to say next?
I’m not sure, is this writers’ block again already? I’m almost at the bottom of the page…
The timer just went off..

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Stream Of Consciousnessđź’­| Introduction

1/22/18

I had a short break from life. Now I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. My mind is made up I won’t be there for long. That’s the way it’s always been. Been. Here. Gone. There. Everywhere or anywhere. Everyone wants to be happy. Sometimes it makes us selfish, sometimes we’re too selfless and give too much of it away just to keep everyone else happy. And then we break down. I hide the way I truly feel because it seems so selfish.Selfish selfish selfishness. Selfishly. But every once in a while you have to put yourself first. There are only a few hours left in the day before I go back to misery? I guess it’s up to me how that all plays out. Maybe I’ll have my favorite company, even though I’ve had company all this time. Just wasn’t the company I really wanted. I’m realizing the things I want out of life and the people I want out of my life. Energy I don’t want to be around, not letting anyone control how my day is going to be. If I don’t want to do it, I don’t want to do it and I don’t have to. Unless it’s like a life or death situation or something. If I don’t want to be there, I don’t want to be there and I don’t have to be. Unless I have nowhere else to go. It sucks when you feel like you’re running out of options but deep down you know you’re not, you’re just so exhausted and over all the unfortunates you become lazy and discouraged. I must be feeling discouraged I’ve been saying that word a lot lately I’ve noticed. I’ll be finding more positive words to say. 111, 1111, 222, 22, 333, 33, 444, 44, 555, 55, 10:25. I see these numbers so much.

Stream of Consciousness Journaling

Stream of consciousness (may also be known as morning pages) is a style of journaling where you just let whatever comes to mind flow out on paper without stopping to think about anything. There are no rules to this style of journaling, you don’t have to worry about grammar, punctuation, or structure. You aren’t telling a story, it doesn’t have to make sense. I like to write my stream of consciousness when I wake up in the morning or anytime before 12 PM, basically anytime before I’ve fully started my day. When you first wake up your mind is still processing the dreams you had the night before, your mind is also preparing for the rest of the day so writing during that time can be very beneficial and quite interesting. To start out try spending about 5-10 minutes to free your mind and release all the chatter, then make the time unlimited. Write for as long as you can without breaking the stream.

Stream of consciousness journaling can also help with lack of understanding and writers’ block. Often times I find that I am having writers’ block because my mind is full of clutter and I can’t really understand my thoughts or organize them in a way that when I go to write a post or story ideas aren’t all over the place. Release the clutter without having to be organized! But there’s also lack of inspiration… Instead of forcing yourself to put words together becoming frustrated in the process, allow everything to flow out at once and you’ll be surprised at the ideas that pop up. If you don’t understand how you’re feeling about a specific person or situation, stream of consciousness journaling can give you an insight into how and why you’re feeling a certain way. Your conscience is literally telling you with no filter, uncensored.

The first few times you try it may be a little fuzzy but that’s okay, it is sort of a skill you have to develop, I’m still practicing and developing my way. Soon it will become like second nature. I’ve taken the advice to not read any of my stream of consciousness entries until after a week or so. That way, you’re not constantly judging yourself and getting discouraged to continue. By judging yourself, I mean your work. Whatever you’ve written, if you read it right away and notice the errors you may want to correct them or add/delete things which defeats the purpose. You don’t need to edit your raw thoughts and feelings.

As something fresh to my blog but similar to my old diary entries, I will be journaling at least three times a week for now and share one with you all each week, to start I’ll see how each Monday plays out.

Do you practice stream of consciousness journaling? Do you take time to journal daily? Do you find that it helps improve any aspect of your writing? Comment below.✨

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Golden Pink Diary: Entry #3 “I needed healing.”

So sad and drained from the past but so happy to be back. I’ve missed blogging so much and it feels like it’s been much longer than a week since my last post. There’s always so much going on and this time I just needed to step back for a moment. Take a breather. It led me to the break before I became broken. That’s what I’m calling my week long break.

I’m that one friend/family member that everyone come to for advice on personal problems, I’m the one that people come to when they just need someone to listen to their problems, someone who won’t immediately judge or be too hard on them. I’m the one that people are just usually most comfortable coming to.

I love this I really do, it let’s me know that I’m here for a greater purpose. It let’s me know that what I believe my purpose to be is true. I love inspiring, and being there for others to vent to, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing! It makes me feel good to know that people can trust me that much. 

At the same time it can be very overwhelming, draining, and stressful. Sometimes I need to take a step back because as much as I’m trying to be there for everyone else 

I’m neglecting myself. 

I think a few people have even gotten too comfortable and selfish without realizing it. I can be there for you only as much as I’m physically and emotionally able to, but understand that I have my problems too… Yet I’ve constantly put them aside for everyone else.

At some point I have to recharge. 

At some point I have to give myself a chance to heal.

People have said I should consider being a counselor or psychologist but that’s the exact reason I’m not interested, it would be way too draining and stressful for me. I think I need one myself actually, and I’d be so focused on my patients, a counselor should be focused on their patient but there has to be a balance. Lately I’ve been out of balance neglecting my own wellbeing. I also did end up getting sick last week so there’s that. But no, it’s never ending. Unfortunately my friend went through something very traumatic and I needed to be there for her regardless of the things I’ve been going through. She really had no one else and I know exactly how that feels. If you remember from my To Do Lists last week, we had already made plans to hang out and catch up, we just didn’t know it would happen in the way that it did. It’s not my place to share her personal business so that’s not what I’m here to do, but I will be hoping and praying that things get better soon for everyone involved.

Everyone seems to be having a hard time. But not too many people seem to be understanding of the others situation or position.

Sometimes life just makes you question what you’ve done to deserve certain things, or what the lessen you’re supposed to learn is because it usually doesn’t make much sense at first. As much as you’re tired of hearing it, I’m tired of saying it but it’s true- life is short. It’s also unpredictable.

You never know what’s going to happen, when, or to who. That’s why we shouldn’t be taking life for granted, having petty arguments, or holding grudges but of course, we’re human. We’re not perfect and we have feelings, we have tainted thoughts. We’re trying.

At least I am. 

Father’s Day was Sunday. I knew I probably wouldn’t see my dad, I mentioned that. He works a lot, sometimes in different states. Sometimes it’s hard to reach him at all. But I mentioned that I knew we would still talk if only a moment. We did. He told me that my sisters took him out to eat and that he wished I was there. It kind of hurt a little for different reasons but mainly because I wondered why my sisters didn’t reach out to me. They know I don’t drive so I wouldn’t have been able to on my own and it wasn’t just some party I didn’t want to attend. Then I realized that I couldn’t remember celebrating any Fathers Day either. I grew up in foster care and with other family members, everyone but my parents. It wasn’t his fault. He had to be away and work so much because of my mom. My sisters were older and had their own mom. I guess what happens in the past kind of sets the tone for the future. I don’t know, my family has always been odd. Myself included yes of course, but I love my father and sisters with every part of me. Regardless of how odd our relationship is and I know they feel the same.

While all of this was going on I was still working on a project, a group project actually. I could have said I wouldn’t be participating because I wasn’t feeling well but that would leave my other group members a partner short, it also seemed like it would be fun so I stayed in. Working in groups isn’t everyone’s strong point I know. People clash, not everyone will agree on ideas, some people may want to be in charge of everything, things can get out of hand quick. This group project proved that immensely. I didn’t think we would even be able to work together but guess what? Things can also quickly turn around. We had a very rough start but we were able to put the differences aside and let teamwork and maturity take place. We put some great ideas together and came up with something nice I think! That’s all that matters, that something negative could still be turned into a positive. That’s the mindset I’m trying to keep in my life. It hasn’t been easy but I never expected it to be. I just have to keep going even when obstacles slow me down a while.

I have a few updates coming in the morning.đź’—