“Who’s got a shoulder when I need to cry
I feel restless and I don’t know why
Cry for help, but still feel alone
Like a motherless child along way from home
Lord I’m lost I can’t find my way
I’m dealing with the struggles in my day to day
My soul is weak and I wanna be strong
I try to run away but I’ve been running too long…”
– Motherless Child lyrics
Everyone has a mother, that’s how we’re all here. That’s why many of us are getting ready to celebrate Mother’s Day.
I haven’t been able to celebrate properly since my mother has been away, out of my life since I was about 3 from what I can remember. She was trapped in a high that could not accept motherhood. I always hoped some miracle would happen, where she would come back for me or we would meet. But if we met would she notice me? I probably wouldn’t recognize her. It became a dream of mine to meet my mother and have her love, and for that I would give anything up.
(Today’s story is not fiction. This is a part of my life. Listen to the songs that inspired me to tell this portion of my story and the poem I wrote: Kehlani – The Letter, Labrinth – Jealous, John Legend – Motherless Child) *I highly recommend listening to these songs if you haven’t already. Especially if you have a similar story*
Sophomore year a miracle happened but I didn’t have to give up anything. I rarely get to see my mothers side of the family and I barely know them. I’ve only met my uncle, my grandparents, and 2 cousins so it’s always nice when I do get to see them. My uncle contacted me and my older brother D, (I’ll just call him by the first initial of his name) D is the brother that was in foster care with me, but had to stay when my father got me out because we only share the same mother. We were so close when we were younger. Sadly things aren’t the same…
Back to the story, we were informed we would be picked up to go spend some time with him and our grandparents. For some reason, I felt like it was more to it than that. I had this really good feeling in my heart like something great was about to happen. I was right.
When we arrived at my grandparents house, there was a woman standing outside on the porch waiting. I couldn’t recognize her but I guess my heart could? I felt it and knew in my heart who that woman was. I got out of the car and we basically went to each other with open arms. Before we got out the car my uncle said “We have a surprise. That’s your mama,” but like I said, I already knew. It was supposed to be more of a surprise for me because my brother had a little more contact with her than I ever did. I guess because he is oldest so it was easier for him to understand things. She instantly started to cry and apologize for not being there all those years, and for doing the things she did that kept her away. She made sure to tell me she loves me and always has. She was just sick and she wished she could take it all back. I was never angry at her and I couldn’t cry because I was just too happy and shocked that the moment was even happening. It could have very well been a dream.
I thought things would change that day, but this time my thoughts were wrong. She disappeared and I didn’t hear from her again until I was about 20 years old. I had been looking for her, asking around. Calling my uncle asking him. No one knew where she was or had heard from her in a while, but then my uncle calls back and says they’ve found out she’s in the hospital with pneumonia. He gave me the hospital name and some other information and we hang up. I immediately call the hospital but the nurse tells me she is sleeping at the moment so call back in a little while. I believe she gave me a specific time to call back, I’m not sure but I’ll go with that. I called back at that specific time and finally, I heard my mothers voice. She told me the nurse told her that her daughter called (I’m her only daughter) and she felt such a blessing over her and hoped I would call back. We talked for a while and I made plans to visit, it felt like that same miracle all over again. Only this time maybe things would turn out better, maybe the timing was better. Maybe meeting under the circumstances would bring a change in her. I don’t know. I just always have high hopes.
Finally arriving to her hospital room and hugging her again only made those hopes higher. Sadly, I was wrong again. We kept in touch a while longer than the first time, but not long enough. This time she was gone right before Mother’s Day…
I can’t explain what I felt then, but it was much worse than any pain I felt before meeting her. I even wondered if I should just give up because it would always end like this. Everyone told me she would make promises she couldn’t keep. Maybe I should have listened…but I can’t. I can’t give up on her or my hopes of having that mother daughter relationship I’ve always wanted and deserved. Maybe the 3rd time we meet will be the charm.
Letter To My Mother Away
Mother you’re away still
I’ve never been able to celebrate with you for Mother’s Day,
or any other occasion.
Every year I watch all the other sons and daughters with their mothers
I tell my aunt Happy Mother’s Day! But it’s just not the same…
She has her own children
Like you have your own
But you left yours to be all alone
High off life without me
It couldn’t have been easy
But it was harder being low and sober
You needed it but you didn’t need
Me as a baby, and the thought of you leaving
The pain makes me queasy
And I blame you for many things
The root of my pain
But I never hated you
I still love you
Even when I barely know you
It’s such a shame
How do you even remember me?
You told me you didn’t remember my little brothers name
But I still love you
I was still happy I could be there with you for a moment
and you were okay
It felt like a miracle
I was in the hospital only months before from that car crash
Then there I was
Walking through hospital doors
To meet you alive
Smiling and laughing
Giving me advice for the first time
Promising we’d keep in touch this time for the second time
It was the best day of my life
I thought I’d finally have you in my life
And I did for a while
Then Mother’s Day came around
You were no where to be found…
It’s been about 2 years since then
I haven’t heard from you since
But I’ve been told you’ve been seen and you’ve been asking about me
Is it true?
But if you really wanted me
I know you could find me
just like I found you
Still I love you
And I have hope
That has not died
And If it’s not too late
When you come around
(Please don’t wait
to come around)
I’ll be by your side