I had always considered myself to be a motherless child. I feel that even if I were to have had an adopted mother, I would still feel somewhat motherless. Only because my real or birth mother would be out there somewhere and gave me away.
I had no idea what I was going to post today. I thought I would just casually search for some quotes that spoke something to me directly and share it with you guys. Well, I was casually watching some YouTube videos and I came across one that I had to click on. It was a story time video on being adopted. I was curious because this is a young girl I recently subscribed to after seeing her natural hair big chop (I am a natural hair gal myself) and watched a few of her others. At the time I must have missed this video because had I seen it when I first viewed her channel, I’m sure I would have clicked!
She is mixed and I did see her adopted mother (white woman) on one of her vlogs, who I thought was her birth mother so I wanted to hear her story.
I am not adopted but I was in foster care ate a very young age, from the time I was about 5 years old, until turning 7. My mother was only a part of my life when I was way too young to remember. All I have are pictures and those don’t even seem real to me. I also know that I have 3 other brothers, one older who was in the foster home with me, but had to stay longer (he is out now) because my father was not his biological father, (my father got me out of the system) and 2 younger that my mother gave up for adoption. I don’t know if I will ever meet them but I hope when they turn 18 they will want to search. That’s if they even know that they are adopted…
What really touched me about her story and it actually made me cry, was that it’s so similar to mine. Her parents were involved with drugs and alcohol, had children they couldn’t take care of and this led to the children being separated and placed in the system. She has siblings she may never meet and always has to wonder if they are being taken care of if they’re okay. She has to wonder why her parents would choose drugs and alcohol over their own children, and honestly it’s just that those drugs are that powerful. You aren’t yourself when you’re high and addicted so it’s best to just stay away from it, which isn’t easy sometimes but lets not get into that…
There are some questions she can’t answer because she doesn’t know her background other than what she is mixed with. These are the same thoughts I have. I don’t really know my mother’s side of the family. My father was not a drug addict but she was. She’s still alive and I have gotten to meet her twice but it’s not the same as her just always being there. She is a stranger. Both times she had a chance to finally make a difference and chose not to… My father couldn’t take care of me and my sisters on his own he needed help so I was bounced around to different homes and family members. With everything going on in the world I have to wonder if my little brothers are safe, or when they have children will I be able to know my nieces/nephews. Do they know they have a big sister who loves and thinks about them all the time despite never meeting them?
In the video she talks about not being mad at her parents, she’s just disappointed and feels they made a mistake. She talks about being thankful for her adopted mother and where she is now because this woman raised her and would never neglect or give her away, and if she hadn’t been adopted who knows where she could have ended up? An environment like that is no place for a child. Of course everyday I wish I could be with my mom, but we’re placed where we are for reasons. I am not mad at her, I still hope she does change before its too late, but being with her while she was doing drugs would not have been good for me, no matter how bad I think my life was without her. I often wonder what my life would be like if I grew up with both my parents, or if I were adopted because that came close. Or even If I was the one given away at birth like my brothers… But that isn’t my story, that wasn’t meant to be my story. I have to realize where I am now and accept it. I can hope and pray for a miracle but I cant keep thinking about the what ifs. My life is not the best, but it’s also not terrible either. What we go through and how we handle those situations is what makes us who we are. I probably wouldn’t have much to write about if it weren’t for things like this so i’m grateful for the gift and how wise i’ve come to be. I’m thankful for my dad for working so hard and not giving up on me. I’m thankful to be able to sit here and share this story to whoever may read it and feel something, and take something from it.
I know what it’s like being a motherless child, so when/if I ever have children, as long as it’s in my control- I will make sure they don’t.